This is all word vomit from a very tired emotional girl and I apologise.
I’ve neglected my blog, I completely abandoned it and I hate myself for doing so but let me explain.
I have had a challenging couple of months…
As some of you may or may not know I have suffered with mental health issues for a very very long time and sometimes I will be amazing and happy for ages and then suddenly it will slap me across the face and I struggle to do just about everything and pretty much since June 2017 I’ve been in this state.
I want to talk about anxiety in greater depth soon but my anxiety was horrific in 2017 and I really struggled, so much so that I would have a panic attack at least once a week. My anxiety mostly revolves around the way I look and who I am as a person, I instantly assume that everyone who’s met me thinks I’m a mess and hates me whether I’ve just met them or I’ve known them for years I’m suddenly over come with this fear of people not liking me, I feel as though people can only see the things that I hate about myself when in reality they probably can’t even see what I’m worrying about, in my mind I’ve drawn myself to be some sort of Roald Dahl cartoon villain with an aggressively long nose, spots everywhere, a giant belly and my eyes looking in the complete opposite directions and it’s not just people I meet in real life I have this fear over social media too hence why I’ve been a little hermit for the past millions of months. I have got better (touch wood!!) I don’t focus on myself now when talking to others I try to focus on everything they tell me about them and find traits that I like and admire about them, when I point out positive feelings I have towards others I feel a little less terrified of myself and I wish I discovered this sooner.
Along with my anxiety I have suffered with eating disorders since I was a teen too and sometimes it likes to creep up on me, low and behold it did at the start of last year. I do find it very difficult to talk about my disorder but I will write about it in depth soon I swear! I lost touch of someone I adored at the start of last year and it really took over I hardly slept and I couldn’t eat for months because of how heartbroken I felt and I constantly felt like I wasn’t good enough, pretty enough or small enough and I became very unhealthy and unhappy. It got to summer time and I had taken a bit more control of myself and started eating relatively well for me and started getting happier again, I had started a new job that I was excited about I got in contact with old friends and I was feeling very happy, so happy in fact that my eating became really good and I put on some weight which was what I needed but my brain started to notice and didn’t like the change, even now I’m suffering but I’ve decided that this year is the year that I get my butt in gear! I’m going to start working out and treating my body with the respect it deserves and I’m going to feed it the proper food it needs I know I feel better in myself when I eat the right amount it’s just reminding my brain that everything is okay I need to work on! I need to drink more water too my skin is crying out to me because I do not treat it well at all and I never have! I would go days without a single glass of water and Uber is so bad for you water is so important and I’m now going to take a bottle of it wherever I go.