There has been a lot of changes.
A lot of things have changed in my life over the last couple of months most of them are in fact for the better yet I find myself really struggling to come to terms with this alteration.
I said in my not so hopeless romantic post that I’ve finally let myself realise that a “love” that was holding me back from living my life was not a healthy love at all and I found the courage to break the bonds bound between us and even though a giant weight was lifted off my shoulders this “love” has been on my mind for a good year and a half of my life now and trying to just cut that away can be rather difficult although I know it’s not what I want whenever I become romantically involved with someone knew no matter how happy I am I can feel this old love lingering like an unwanted ghost haunting me. It’s the nostalgia that gets me and most people, you start to realise when you do fall out of love that for most of the time you didn’t really miss the person at all you just missed the memories. I missed the feeling of being loved and having someone i knew was always there. I had someone who pushed me and helped me reach of my goals and supported me on my down days. Looking back now i can see that there were two parts of this relationship and that fairy tale romance i though i had was only around for the first couple of months and slowly it started to fade away till we were just lost teenagers again desperately trying to hold onto something we both deep down knew was not there.
The change of letting someone new into my life is also been very challenging trying to trust people is a lot harder now than it was a year ago through this random dating dance I’ve been doing on and off for the last 6 months I’ve been ignored (or ghosted as most people now say apparently) been cheated on and used emotionally and physically so trusting new people does not come naturally to me anymore which I find so sad as there is so much magic in the world and beauty and love in people and I don’t like that fact that my first instinct is danger, I know I’m not the only person who has this initial reaction. It’s hard to let go of past emotions they do stay like scars and some will mark you for years and you just can’t shake them. I’ve got to learn to expect that fact that no two people are the same and even though I’ve been hurt a lot in the past it does not mean that’s all I’m ever going to get, we all deserve love and i believe we all will one day get the love we want when the time is right but before that we have to learn and become strong enough to face it, love is beautiful but it is not like the Disney movies (sadly) you do struggle you’ll have days where you’re on your so drained and exhausted and nothing is going to plan but love gets you through that, you’ve got to be strong enough to face challenges together as a bad ass duo because the outcome is so worth it the fight when you find that one person the bad things that seemed impossible with everyone else will be so minuscule you’ll be unstoppable.
I recently just left a job that I’ve had for two years and absolutely adored.. well adored the people I worked with anyway. I didn’t suit the job and I wasn’t the best at the job and the more I worked there the more I knew it wasn’t what I wanted in life but it got to the point If I didn’t leave know I knew I never would do I took the risk applied for a new job and left my old one nearly a week ago and even though this week just feels like holiday to me it does feel different and I am so terrified to start a new job and meet new people, I’ve had social anxiety for pretty much my whole teen life now so starting something where I know nobody is slightly horrific in my eyes and I know it’s going to suit me better than retail having to adjust to a completely knew life style is going to be really challenging because it’s not just the job that’s new I’m going to have earlier mornings, longer days and harder travel on the other hand I am excited to get into a routine and know when I’m free and balance my life properly with less confusion and stumbles.
I am a very sentimental person I know not all changes are bad yet I still seem to struggle parting with the old and welcoming the new. I always feel like I need more time to fully say goodbye to the old and let change come in slower but that’s not how life works.
It’s okay to fear change you can’t predict what’s going to happen when change comes along but change does create and stimulate growth and that’s never a bad thing. I wish i could encourage change i think it can be such a beautiful thing and can spark so many new adventures for a person. It’s like the art of saying yes, the more you open yourself up to new things the happier you’ll become, the initial thought will be scary and your mind will make you doubt but as soon as you open your mind to more possibilities the easier letting go of the past will be, you’ll be so excited for whats ahead of you you’ll have no need to look back.